Family Principles
Family relationship principles are just as important as air traffic rules. Developing family relations is like learning to play the piano: get familiar with the instrument and theory; start practicing from the basics; progress without rush to avoid bad habits; and eventually you become a master reaping the fruits of one’s effort.
1. Do not enforce these principles on oneself or other family member, do not try to be perfectionistic in regards to these principles, do not make them into absolute rules, do not plainly believe in them; but question, investigate them, and apply those you understand.
For any principle to be internalized and effective in family life, is it important to never enforce it as rule. It is enough that the principle is known, identified, contemplated, and underlying psychological mechanism of it is understood by family member. Once one understands, there will be no need for enforcement; before one understands, the enforcement would give nothing but destructive results with grotesque manifestations of their masking.
2. Keep a loving attitude:
– contentment;
– gratitude;
– loving-kindness;
– compassion;
– joy;
– equanimity;
– truthfulness;
– justice;
– humour;
– unskillfulness.
Contentment: develop a deep contentment with what is and what you already have; this is a gate to mental stability, freedom, internal power, genuine happiness and gratitude;
Gratitude: in the world there is an equal amount of happiness and unhappiness, just like any wavy ocean has an equal amount of parts of waves that go up and those that go down; human mind has a natural tendency to be more attentive to negative happenings, and consequently, spiral down into negative perspective, which is destructive; it is important to balance it out with conscious practice of directing attention towards things one is grateful for.
Loving-kindness: develop a deep understanding of what makes you or the other happy in a healthy way, and share that, but only if you have it enough yourself; allow others to be different, do not share with other what he refuses to accept or what is harmful for him;
Compassion: develop a deep understanding of and acknowledge your and other’s suffering; help to alleviate it when you can, but not to your detriment;
Joy: appreciate your own and other’s success and good fortune; this is an antidote to jealousy and negativity;
Equanimity: develop the capacity to stay wholesome, poised, courageous, and hopeful (hopeful in the sense of knowing that all will end up for the better, not in the sense of clinging to rationalized concrete outcome) in diverse and fluctuating circumstances; remember that everything is impermanent, embrace change as a normal phenomena;
Truthfulness: calmly and compassionately speak the uncomfortable truth as you see and feel it; do not avoid difficult conversations, even about the smallest things; relationships where difficult conversations are avoided or discouraged, develop into vessels of hypocrisy, resentment, and passive aggression. But also be very careful and gentle – do not force other to listen when he is not ready;
Justice: do not do to other what you would not want to be done to yourself;
Humour: remember that all human knowledge, all concepts created in human mind, including these, are nothing but unending drafts that are deemed to be perpetually stepped outside and recreated indefinitely; remember that life itself is finite and ultimate truth is ineffable; humour in this sense is equivalent to humility, or to a “one foot standing outside of knowing”, or to a pure-heartedness, or to a pure bliss of being alive;
Unskillfulness: when confronted with harmful behaviour, maintain boundaries to prevent the harm, but at the same time do not hold hatred or resentment in oneself; remember that that person did as best as he could at that moment, and if it went wrong and he created suffering for others (and always for himself too), it is because of his unskillfulness. We all go through life continuously learning, some have better conditions to learn and develop, others have worse. When one realizes this, forgiveness becomes irrelevant, for there is nothing to forgive to anyone. Maintain this attitude towards oneself also. This is an antidote to destructive judging, blame, guilt, and rejection.
3. Consume healthy nutrients, avoid unhealthy ones:
– edible food;
– sensory food: smell, hear, taste, feel, touch;
– electromagnetic: appliances and electronic devices;
– volition;
– consciousness: individual, collective, environmental.
The mind is like a garden. What one plants and waters—that grows. What one leaves without food subsides. Body, mind, and external world are interconnected; therefore, consciously selecting what one consumes and what one is surrounded with is very important for the quality of life.
4. Maintain healthy boundaries:
– recognize the inevitability of boundaries;
– recognize your “control zone”;
– recognize the “signposts” of your boundaries;
– balance your perspective in aloneness, silence, stillness;
– set, communicate and enforce boundaries;
– let go and grieve if needed.
If you do not have your own principles, you are doomed to sway around confused like a leaf of a tree blown by the winds, accepted by no one, mistrusted by everyone. Living by own principles inevitably implies being accepted by some and rejected by others, and there is no way around. To love others and to maintain healthy boundaries is not only perfectly compatible but a must. Maintaining boundaries facilitates a clear psychosocial atmosphere. Every person is unique, no one can mind-read another, therefore, boundary setting and communication is inevitable for a healthy living. Boundary maintenance is not a one-time but perpetual process, as every person not only unique, but also of a changing nature. If we do not maintain healthy boundaries and let others unintentionally or intentionally sow and water negative emotional or intellectual seeds in us, those seeds will grow in us and will spread to others, and they will not benefit us or others.
Your “control zone” is your thoughts, your words, and your actions. All else is out of your control zone.
The “signposts” can be recognized by such symptoms as resentment, overwhelm, anger, avoidance, victimization, venting, ghosting, confusion, etc.. If you observe these in yourself, you have a boundary issue in some of your relationships that needs to be addressed.
Balancing the perspective is possible only in aloneness, silence, stillness, meditation. Without balancing the perspective, impulsive boundary setting is very unreliable.
A boundary must be set in your mind before you communicate it to others. Empty threats that you do not follow through with actions are not boundaries and only irritate and train others to disrespect you. Communicating expectations without clearly telling what will be your actions if others will not adjust theirs is not boundary communication. Communicating a boundary can be done by words or by actions, dependent on the situation.
Often, after hearing out the communicated boundary, a person may react defensively, try to evade, obscure your clarity, infuse doubts, guilt-manipulate, shift the blame, make you feel uncomfortable, try to change the topic, pretend that he did not understand, minimize the case, ignore, etc. These defensive reactions are normal. Just stick firmly to your boundary and assert it several times if needed. In the worst case, if a person still does not respect your communicated boundary, accept it as his decision and follow through with your actions. Do not try to change others (remind yourself of your control zone).
For most people, the feeling of discomfort and fear is normal before communicating boundaries in difficult situations. The feeling of exhaustion and the need for recovery time are normal after communicating difficult boundaries, but afterwards comes the feeling of relief, strength, and self-confidence.
5. Design clearly, mutually agree on, and maintain the structure of:
– main principles of relationship (how we engage with each other?);
– main routines (when and what has to be done?);
– finances (how do we earn, save, invest, spend?);
– environment (what has to be placed where?);
– general direction (where is our “family ship” sailing?);
– responsibilities (who is responsible for what in family?).
Treat the designed and mutually agreed family structure not as a rigid unmovable form (“it must be always like this”), but as a gravitational centre (“it is the ideal form that by default we get back to, but we keep ourselves flexible, nimble, and mindfully adapt to the concrete situations”). Remember big bridges, tall trees, or skyscrapers: those that are have firmness combined with flexibility, withstand even the strongest winds. Those that are rigid, eventually break.
Family structure makes better integration of the family and saves energy otherwise wasted on misunderstandings, perpetual conflicts, and ineffectiveness. It gives clarity, calmness and freedom for every family member, that consequently can be directed to joy, talent development, creation and success of every family member, whatever one’s understanding of success is.
Structure must be clearly designed, because any unclarity will give birth to conflicts. It must be mutually agreed, because if even one family member has not agreed on it, nothing will work as planned. It must be constantly maintained, because human is not a computer, and circumstances constantly change.
Remember: responsibility is taken, respect is given. Never force responsibility on other, and never demand respect.
6. Do not act particularly unmindfully by:
– harsh-starting the disagreeable topic;
– continuing the argument while flooded;
– going to sleep while in conflict;
– disrespectful listening;
– giving easily and breaking promises.
Harsh-starting the disagreeable topic or continuing the argument while flooded will never solve the conflict, but will always make matters worse.
Going to sleep while in conflict will program a bad sleep, a bad next day, and ingrain negativity into subconscious mind that will gradually develop the negative sentiment override towards relationship.
Disrespectful listening is:
– listening without presence (while thinking about other things—past, future, fake listening to multiple speakers, fake listening while doing other things, like using PC or mobile);
– listening without learning (jumping to premature conclusions before others have finished speaking and interruptingly, even if not verbally, communicating an “I agree” or “I do not agree” attitude).
Giving easily and breaking promises is a symptom of a non-calm, agitated mind. A broken promise, even in the smallest of matters, gives rise to suspicion and erodes trust. Several broken promises send a loud signal that the person is unreliable and weak in self-restraint.
7. Do not emotionally manipulate, weaken, or punish by:
– guilt manipulation;
– criticizing the character;
– complaining but not solving;
– comparing with others;
– suspending admiration, responsibility, effort valuation, attention;
– being always unhappy or not showing existing happiness;
– ignoring;
– commanding;
– taking over responsibilities;
– interrupting;
– grimacing or eye-rolling;
– provoking;
– sneering;
– telling „be manlier“ for a man or “be womanlier” for a woman;
– dragging solved past issues when in conflict, fake strengthening of own position;
– blaming others for your thoughts, words or actions;
– belittling labelling, even in the mind;
– comparing with objects;
– sarcasm;
– censuring;
– bullying;
– commenting activities;
– ridiculing;
– showing distrust;
– showing disinterest;
– not giving voice, not including;
– waving hand, grimacing, laughing;
– asking to prove something unprovable, like feelings or that which is a common-sense truth;
– threatening with separation;
– not taking other’s expressed concern seriously, provoking escalation;
– intentionally not acting to prevent small, immediate problem becoming bigger;
– the “it is your problem” attitude in cases where it was mutually agreed beforehand about the mutuality, such as in family relations, instead of “we have a mutual problem” attitude;
– nagging;
– suspending information;
– intentionally changing plans on short notice or refusing to do what is agreed beforehand;
– reproaching, enumeration and accentuation of faults of the other;
– disparaging, intentional de-accentuation of virtue of the other;
– sabotaging other relationships;
– any other form of manipulative passive aggression.
Emotional passive aggression is dangerous and elusive. For an inexperienced person, it is very hard to recognize, understand, and explain. It inevitably leads to worsening of relations and can create lasting or permanent health damage, a sense of insecurity, depression, fatigue, a lack of productivity, unrealized talents, the accumulation of life-organizational problems, insanity, and even suicide.
8. Do not generate untruth and hypocrisy by:
– plainly lying;
– knowingly saying things that may have some truth in them but are only partially truthful;
– people-pleasing (the axiom is: people-pleasing always goes together with people exploiting and people resenting);
– instead of repaying with gratitude, refusing something that is offered not because of not wanting it but because of wanting to get more;
– after unresolved conflict, pretending that nothing happened, expecting or forcing others to pretend;
– suspending due input while leaving situation obscure to not lose benefits;
– instead of expressing straightforwardly expecting something to be done and then showing demonstrative disappointment about things that were not beforehand agreed to be done;
– empty talking things that benefit neither oneself nor others (usually, it is form of covering-up something more important but unpleasant, like a cat sand-covering its own faeces);
– spreading rumours that have not been verified;
– talking indirectly, dropping tips, with the intention to evoke admiration and inspire trust;
– posing and prearranging behaviour with the intention to evoke admiration and inspire trust;
– flattery;
– hypocrisy of being humble;
– untruthful advertising oneself or something;
– talking roundly about the matter because of being afraid of other’s displeasure;
– talking up others for the purpose of gaining benefits;
– persuading and progressively luring in others into something instead of stating known intention straight from the start;
– suggestive manipulation, hinting;
– insincere fondling;
– calling someone not normal, traumatized, having trust issues, etc. It is manipulation that is meant for disarmament by sowing confusion and doubt.
Untruth and hypocrisy will inevitably erode trust and lead to the dissolution of the relationship in the long run. Any gain acquired from untruthful behaviour is a short-lived delusion.
9. Do not betray.
Betrayal is any form of siding with, prioritizing, or, without consensus inside the family, involving in family matters non-family members (relatives, friends, or other people).
10. What to do if these principles are broken?
First of all, understand that living perfectly keeping oneself to these principles is impossible. Trying to impose them on other is destructive.
If these principles are broken by another, do not judge, fight, or punish by thinking, speaking, or acting.
Just notice it mindfully with compassion, and if you can, help the other to calm down. If you broke the principle, notice it mindfully with compassion, calm down, admit the truth as you understand it at that time, and ask for an apology if needed.