Aleksander Hansen

Maintaining healthy boundaries between oneself and others is inevitable, for every person is different, and we cannot mind-read each other. It is not a one-time, but an ongoing process, for every person and circumstances are of changing nature.

Never ever, by no means, put yourself into position where you are good enough to be used, but not good enough to be respected. This is valid both of your own attitude towards self, your attitude towards attitudes of others towards you, and your attitude towards others.

Boundary maintenance is not a rejection of the other, but an invitation to a healthier connection, if and when the other is ready. One can give to other only that what one has in himself, and if one does not maintain healthy boundaries and allow other’s to sow and water harmful “seeds” in his mind, these negative “seeds” will grow in the mind and will spread to others with grotesque manifestations of consequent behaviour. Therefore, it is a mutual interest that people maintain healthy boundaries between each other.

Your control zone is: your thoughts, your words, and your actions.

You have neither right nor obligation to step outside your control zone. Everything that is outside your control zone, approach with a letting-go mindset.

Whenever you try to step outside your control zone, you will weaken and delude yourself, surrender your power, and lose your freedom.

The “signposts” are feelings of anger, resentment, overwhelm, emotional weakening. These signs signal that you have a boundary issue that has to be addressed.

Not always it is possible, but when you have the opportunity, balance your perspective in aloneness, silence, stillness before considering boundaries. It is all too easy to make impulsive, regrettable mistakes when the mind is uncalm and overridden with disbalanced perspective.

Setting boundary is done before the communication of it. It is done in one’s mind. It inevitably implies the acceptance of consequences of the other person rejecting one’s boundary. It usually implies sacrifice and premeditation of grief. Setting boundary is a decision.

Communicating boundary is done only after it is set. Communicating can be done verbally or by action. One cannot communicate a boundary that is not yet set firmly in one’s own mind. Empty threats are not boundaries, but manipulations. They should be avoided, for they only evoke disrespect and make the situation worse, usually spiralling it down. Communicated expectations are not boundaries either, for they do not imply that you move on with decided action if the receiver does not agree to meet your expectations.

Enforcing the boundary is about withstanding the manipulative pressure, not about manipulating the other. It is needed if the receiver tries to manipulate one into removing the boundary. Communicated boundary is not something that is a pleasure to hear for most people, at least, for the short moment after it is communicated. Instinctive defensive reactions are normal, like tries to evade the conversation, shift the topic, pretend to not hearing, minimize the case, blame shift, obscure the matter, attack, infuse doubt, etc.

Boundary maintenance is not a manipulation, but the opposite of manipulation.

The other always has a choice, whether he accepts the boundary and adjusts the behaviour, or rejects it and accepts the consequences.

If the other choses not to accept the boundary, one has no other choice but to let go, and grieve if needed.

Grief is not something pleasurable, but it is unavoidable. The skill of grieving is learnable, and mental strength to accept sacrifices is trainable. Start learning and training with small things, build the skill and strength gradually, and eventually you will be able to let go of anything.

The more skilful you are in grieving and the stronger mentally, the easier it will be to maintain boundaries.

The better you maintain boundaries, the more open your heart can be to the world and life.